I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
