Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
