Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We were destined to go to rehab together
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
