I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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