eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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