I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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