So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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