I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
