Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
