I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
