sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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