I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
