Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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