wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
