my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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