It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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