There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
