he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize