if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
