I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Randomize
