dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
