I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
