I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I don't deserve a penis
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
