Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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