The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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