Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
