I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm too high and old for this...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
