you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
