I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
