I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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