You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
