Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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