I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
