I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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