I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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