how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
