Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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