if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
