my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
