If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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