I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
