i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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