The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
