I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
