At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
