If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
