True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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