Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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