Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
