Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize