i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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