people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
