I'm so fucking centered right now
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
