So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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