if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
40s are totally the cure
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
